rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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