The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
