he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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