I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
