It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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