he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
