dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
