He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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