it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
