I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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