i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
