This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
