Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
