my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
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I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
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i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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