i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
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This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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