your parents love me but you hate me
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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