I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Is Oprah even human
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
