oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
