I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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