I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
