I met the friendliest cop last night
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
