I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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