he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
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Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
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tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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