Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
