Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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