There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
