So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Houston, we have a squirter
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
