when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
