If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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