Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
