I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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