New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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