life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
