I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
