She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
