You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.