Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
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Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
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I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.