chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
