Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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