you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
