i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
