That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
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I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
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My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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