Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
soo... how was my night?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
