who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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