I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
