i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
