I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
