he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
