If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
false alarm, still single
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