I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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