So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
