I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
