you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
there is glitter all over my balls
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
