Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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