dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
