I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
