There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
