I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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