I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
